Exposed - "Iron Man"

Kevin and I attend the great church called Brentwood, we are so blessed to be apart of such a growing and wonderful community of people. (http://www.brentwoodchurch.org/). One thing I love about Brentwood (among the many) is that they really allow you the opportunity to get involved, no matter what stage in life you are in. I have been to churches where you feel like you have to be 30 or 40, and 'holier than thou' to be the person greeting at the door or standing behind the counter passing out information. Not at Brentwood. They WANT you to get involved, they WANT you to actually BECOME the Church, not just come to church, I'll say it again- become the church. Servants, lovers, people who's hands and feet move for Christ. Isn't that how it is always suppose to be? As of right now I am serving at the information table, and I love it. I love meeting the new people. I like being able to ease there concerns, and try to make them feel welcomed.

This week at church (6-29-08) John Dupin our pastor started a New Series called "Iron Man", little does he know how much this topic means to me. The series is all about being the Man God intends men to be. He was talking about how 80% of suicides are done by men. Yeah, I understand that, I understand the horror and pain from it all, because my dad is apart of that 80%. It hits closer then close to me. There are days I feel like, if my dad were still alive, then I would be too. To kill yourself isn't just killing yourself, it kills other people too. It has been about 7 years now since my father died, and I still have not come to grips with the whole thing. I currently started going to counseling in hopes of learning how to deal with it better. Lately, it seems like the more time goes by the harder it has gotten. I believe it is because so many new things are happening in my life that I wish my dad could be there to be apart of (my wedding, meeting my husband, meeting my children, being apart of it all). It's so hard to live when you have SO MUCH LOVE for someone, but you can't even express it to them. At times it has made me scared to love, because I am afraid it will hurt even worse when I lose that person one day. What's the point if it only causes pain? I know that is wrong, but my guard and walls tell me it's right. I have to fight daily to not be afraid to love and to not be afraid to get and stay close to people. My heart not only breaks for what led my dad to actually use the knife, but for all the other men out there who consider it daily, hourly, minute by minute. I am so glad John is touching on the subject of a man's heart. Women need to step up, men need to step up, truth needs to come alive.

John talked about how men hide their feelings, weaknesses, wounds, and emotions in a box, and they are dying to let them out, but the world wont let them, they would be seen as weak and most of all not as a man of Iron. I think John is trying hard to get the point across that that mentality is not true, and a healthy man is able to be humble and express himself, and ask for help when he needs it.

I was thinking about Jesus, he was a Man, and he didn't do it alone, he couldn't do it alone. He had friends, he had close ones that he shared his heart and mission with. He didn't hide from the reality's of life. He was human, and there is no doubt in my mind that he was scared at times, he was lonely at times, and he needed people at times.

Obviously, women can relate to this type of thing, we too hide, find it difficult to be weak, and get hit with the toughness of life. But there is something amazing about a man who is strong emotionally and spiritually, his ability to be real and humble effects so many. I think us women would feel more secure if men would get real with what is going on inside of them, us women wouldn't feel so alone and trapped with our own feelings. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that way to me. I am very thankful to have a husband that is able to express himself in a real and honest way, but I find that the challenge is ME, me being able to accept it when he does, me being able to be sensitive to what he needs and wants, me being understanding that he doesn't have it all together and that that is OK. I feel as women we can either crush who a man is or bring out the best in who he is. Sometimes that's hard, sometimes I feel like he should just be strong and have no problems, but that is a complete disgusting lie, he is human and in his weakness is where he finds his strength. For him to grow as the great man God is calling him to be, then I myself need to allow him to be weak, allow him to be humble, allow him the room to not have it all together. How else will he find God's answers, if he is forced to already have his own?

Well, I am excited for the next 3 services at church, because John will be sharing his heart on this topic, "Iron Man".

Thinking about all this made me think of a poem/thing I wrote awhile ago. Here it is: I think this can relate to this subject because it is about Eve right after the fall when she realizes what she has done wrong, and how she so desperately wants to stay "naked" (naked, as in humble, no lies, real), but now that she has sinned, it is such a struggle for her to not put on clothes (clothes means to cover her sins, to not be real, to not be humble), but she is trying so hard to fight that. A lot of it has double meanings. You will see parts of a Bjork song in the beginning, because this song by Bjork and her style of writing inspired me to write this poem. Anyways here it is, it can relate to Adam too.

Is it real? Because if it's not.. I might just have to stay Fake

"All these accidents that happen

follow the dot

coincidence makes sense

only with you

you don't have to speak -

I feel Emotional landscapes

they puzzle me

then the riddle gets solved

and you push me up to this:

State of emergency : how beautiful to be

State of emergency : is where I want to be" Bjork

Hidden, tucked behind the willow trees

beneath their breath she pretends to breathe

taking her chances; feeling naked exposed..

you help her speak help her speak

With Adam and Eve it was a two way streak a two way streak

with the grass between her toes naked exposed naked exposed

one step at a time with eyes-wide closed

does she dare be exposed?

Taking her chances cutting her hands

so they won't put on clothes

as she staggers towards the end, which leads her to the beginning

the beginning of what his will once was

before the fall began

Taking her chances

placing this temple and everything inside

upon that cornerstone (one piece at a time)

2 hands are fine

but 4 are better; through his beauty clever divine

so on that rock from bottom to top

she t e a r s off clothes
Because to have - all of her ...

...is to have her exposed.

Getting There...

Right now as I write, I am in Florida with my dear husband Kevin. We took a week off work to come down here to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and to have somewhat of the "honeymoon" we didn't really have after we got married.
It has been so nice here and so wonderful to get away together. We've been staying with a really good friend of ours that lives here in St. Pete FL. It's been nice getting to hang with him but still having time to ourselves. It has worked out well.
So, the main reason I am blogging right now is because I have "stuff", stuff going on in my heart and mind these past few days. I want to say both good and bad "stuff". I don't know why but a day or 2 ago I started feeling very empty, very worried, very alone, and very sad... I began to wonder how, and why this could POSSIBLY be happening to me when I am in "paradise" with my wonderful husband. I still don't know the answer 100%, but I have begun searching my heart, and the more I search the more I see how broken and distant from God I am right now. The more I search the more I realize I haven't been knowing him and feeling him for a long time. (I'm NOT saying everything is rapped up in "feelings" I'm not like that.. and for the record I'm not going to explain it either. I know my heart and I know where it should be and where it is not)
Everything was going great.. going out to eat, going to the beach, soaking up the sun, getting a tan, shopping, and freedom.. yet with all this, I still find myself in this hole, trying to reach out, but only managing to fall even deeper.
I realize I'm not myself, I'm not close to my Father right now, I'm not me anymore, I'm this wondering person finding my way on my own, not listening to the sound of Love, not heeding to the voice of Mercy, not digging in the life that fully sustains me (the Word), not sharing life's ups and downs with the One who truly cares. I've drifted away like the sun setting on the ocean.. slowly. Slowly dimming away. Suddenly darkness, and life's treasures becoming seemingly more and more dull by day. I feel so far away from what is real, from what is freedom to breath and to enjoy life in the manner it is meant to be enjoyed.
So out of the dysfunction of my heart I managed to reach. It seems like more I drift, the more it hurts to try and get back. It's like a muscle you haven't worked in a long time, and when you finally begin again, you just want to give up because your strength is completely depleted. But I don't want to give up. I don't fear God giving up on me, I fear me giving up on God and my ability to push through to where I need to be.
So in my desperation I knew I needed to take some sort of step, I knew I needed to at least move a spiritual muscle, so yesterday I decided to read "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional that I have, and I was really surprised at what I read. In my humanness I wanted to read something that gave me the warm and fuzzies and be OK and go on with my day, but that's not what happened, no warms, no fuzzies, just TRUTH. Truth hitting me in the face like a brick. Truth stabbing my heart like a hundred knives. It hurt. I wanted it to stop, but I knew this is what I needed. Surgery. It was hard to read and pray, it was a struggle to push through and not give up.
This is what I read : June 10Th -

AND AFTER THAT WHAT'S NEXT TO DO? ... seek, and you will find... - Luke 11:19
Seek if you have not found. "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss . . ." ( James 4:3 ). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, "you ask amiss"; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself the less you will seek God. ". . . seek, and you will find . . . ." Get to work— narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ". . . seek, [focus,] and you will find . . . ."

"Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters. . ." (Isaiah 55:1 ). Are you thirsty, or complacent and indifferent— so satisfied with your own experience that you want nothing more of God? Experience is a doorway, not a final goal. Beware of building your faith on experience, or your life will not ring true and will only sound the note of a critical spirit. Remember that you can never give another person what you have found, but you can cause him to have a desire for it.

". . . knock, and it will be opened to you" ( Luke 11:9 ). "Draw near to God . . ." ( James 4:8 ). Knock— the door is closed, and your heartbeat races as you knock. "Cleanse your hands . . ." ( James 4:8 ). Knock a bit louder— you begin to find that you are dirty. ". . . purify your hearts . . ." ( James 4:8 ). It is becoming even more personal— you are desperate and serious now— you will do anything. "Lament . . . " ( James 4:9 ). Have you ever lamented, expressing your sorrow before God for the condition of your inner life? There is no thread of self-pity left, only the heart-rending difficulty and amazement which comes from seeing what kind of person you really are. "Humble yourselves . . . " (James 4:10 ). It is a humbling experience to knock at God’s door— you have to knock with the crucified thief. ". . . to him who knocks it will be opened" ( Luke 11:10 ).

"Knock a bit louder— you begin to find that you are dirty. ".
Yeah, this line from this devotional describes me to a T. Dirty. I find that I am dirty and in need of being cleansed.
A lot of the answers I was looking for was in this devotional, and like I said they weren't filled with warm fuzzies, but instead filled with tools and challenges that aren't going to be easy.

So here I am embracing Truth, Grace and Mercy and finding my way in my father's heart. Trying to listen to the real embrace of life, the life he so desires to give me. Freedom. Freedom from worry, freedom from anxiety, freedom to be one in Christ.
I am so thankful my Lord is so gracious and so understanding, and that he always always Loves and adores me right where I am at.

Thank you Abba.

-Mel