Exposed - "Iron Man"

Kevin and I attend the great church called Brentwood, we are so blessed to be apart of such a growing and wonderful community of people. (http://www.brentwoodchurch.org/). One thing I love about Brentwood (among the many) is that they really allow you the opportunity to get involved, no matter what stage in life you are in. I have been to churches where you feel like you have to be 30 or 40, and 'holier than thou' to be the person greeting at the door or standing behind the counter passing out information. Not at Brentwood. They WANT you to get involved, they WANT you to actually BECOME the Church, not just come to church, I'll say it again- become the church. Servants, lovers, people who's hands and feet move for Christ. Isn't that how it is always suppose to be? As of right now I am serving at the information table, and I love it. I love meeting the new people. I like being able to ease there concerns, and try to make them feel welcomed.

This week at church (6-29-08) John Dupin our pastor started a New Series called "Iron Man", little does he know how much this topic means to me. The series is all about being the Man God intends men to be. He was talking about how 80% of suicides are done by men. Yeah, I understand that, I understand the horror and pain from it all, because my dad is apart of that 80%. It hits closer then close to me. There are days I feel like, if my dad were still alive, then I would be too. To kill yourself isn't just killing yourself, it kills other people too. It has been about 7 years now since my father died, and I still have not come to grips with the whole thing. I currently started going to counseling in hopes of learning how to deal with it better. Lately, it seems like the more time goes by the harder it has gotten. I believe it is because so many new things are happening in my life that I wish my dad could be there to be apart of (my wedding, meeting my husband, meeting my children, being apart of it all). It's so hard to live when you have SO MUCH LOVE for someone, but you can't even express it to them. At times it has made me scared to love, because I am afraid it will hurt even worse when I lose that person one day. What's the point if it only causes pain? I know that is wrong, but my guard and walls tell me it's right. I have to fight daily to not be afraid to love and to not be afraid to get and stay close to people. My heart not only breaks for what led my dad to actually use the knife, but for all the other men out there who consider it daily, hourly, minute by minute. I am so glad John is touching on the subject of a man's heart. Women need to step up, men need to step up, truth needs to come alive.

John talked about how men hide their feelings, weaknesses, wounds, and emotions in a box, and they are dying to let them out, but the world wont let them, they would be seen as weak and most of all not as a man of Iron. I think John is trying hard to get the point across that that mentality is not true, and a healthy man is able to be humble and express himself, and ask for help when he needs it.

I was thinking about Jesus, he was a Man, and he didn't do it alone, he couldn't do it alone. He had friends, he had close ones that he shared his heart and mission with. He didn't hide from the reality's of life. He was human, and there is no doubt in my mind that he was scared at times, he was lonely at times, and he needed people at times.

Obviously, women can relate to this type of thing, we too hide, find it difficult to be weak, and get hit with the toughness of life. But there is something amazing about a man who is strong emotionally and spiritually, his ability to be real and humble effects so many. I think us women would feel more secure if men would get real with what is going on inside of them, us women wouldn't feel so alone and trapped with our own feelings. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that way to me. I am very thankful to have a husband that is able to express himself in a real and honest way, but I find that the challenge is ME, me being able to accept it when he does, me being able to be sensitive to what he needs and wants, me being understanding that he doesn't have it all together and that that is OK. I feel as women we can either crush who a man is or bring out the best in who he is. Sometimes that's hard, sometimes I feel like he should just be strong and have no problems, but that is a complete disgusting lie, he is human and in his weakness is where he finds his strength. For him to grow as the great man God is calling him to be, then I myself need to allow him to be weak, allow him to be humble, allow him the room to not have it all together. How else will he find God's answers, if he is forced to already have his own?

Well, I am excited for the next 3 services at church, because John will be sharing his heart on this topic, "Iron Man".

Thinking about all this made me think of a poem/thing I wrote awhile ago. Here it is: I think this can relate to this subject because it is about Eve right after the fall when she realizes what she has done wrong, and how she so desperately wants to stay "naked" (naked, as in humble, no lies, real), but now that she has sinned, it is such a struggle for her to not put on clothes (clothes means to cover her sins, to not be real, to not be humble), but she is trying so hard to fight that. A lot of it has double meanings. You will see parts of a Bjork song in the beginning, because this song by Bjork and her style of writing inspired me to write this poem. Anyways here it is, it can relate to Adam too.

Is it real? Because if it's not.. I might just have to stay Fake

"All these accidents that happen

follow the dot

coincidence makes sense

only with you

you don't have to speak -

I feel Emotional landscapes

they puzzle me

then the riddle gets solved

and you push me up to this:

State of emergency : how beautiful to be

State of emergency : is where I want to be" Bjork

Hidden, tucked behind the willow trees

beneath their breath she pretends to breathe

taking her chances; feeling naked exposed..

you help her speak help her speak

With Adam and Eve it was a two way streak a two way streak

with the grass between her toes naked exposed naked exposed

one step at a time with eyes-wide closed

does she dare be exposed?

Taking her chances cutting her hands

so they won't put on clothes

as she staggers towards the end, which leads her to the beginning

the beginning of what his will once was

before the fall began

Taking her chances

placing this temple and everything inside

upon that cornerstone (one piece at a time)

2 hands are fine

but 4 are better; through his beauty clever divine

so on that rock from bottom to top

she t e a r s off clothes
Because to have - all of her ...

...is to have her exposed.