Mystery of Music

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." - Berthold Auerbach

Why is it that music opens my soul? Why does it expose the core of my being? Why does it bring me face to face with what is really going on inside of me? Why is this a mystery?

Answers anyone? Anyone else feel the same way?

"Of all the music that reached farthest into heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart." -Henry Ward Beecher

"Music is a higher revelation than philosophy." - Ludwig van Beethoven

"Music can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable."

-Leonard Bernstein

"Musically, I always allow myself to jump off of cliffs. At least that's what it feels like to me. Whether that's what it actually sounds like might depend on what the listener brings to the songs." - Tori Amos

I believe...

...if you have the heart to love, then you can do and achieve anything great.

Exposed - "Iron Man"

Kevin and I attend the great church called Brentwood, we are so blessed to be apart of such a growing and wonderful community of people. (http://www.brentwoodchurch.org/). One thing I love about Brentwood (among the many) is that they really allow you the opportunity to get involved, no matter what stage in life you are in. I have been to churches where you feel like you have to be 30 or 40, and 'holier than thou' to be the person greeting at the door or standing behind the counter passing out information. Not at Brentwood. They WANT you to get involved, they WANT you to actually BECOME the Church, not just come to church, I'll say it again- become the church. Servants, lovers, people who's hands and feet move for Christ. Isn't that how it is always suppose to be? As of right now I am serving at the information table, and I love it. I love meeting the new people. I like being able to ease there concerns, and try to make them feel welcomed.

This week at church (6-29-08) John Dupin our pastor started a New Series called "Iron Man", little does he know how much this topic means to me. The series is all about being the Man God intends men to be. He was talking about how 80% of suicides are done by men. Yeah, I understand that, I understand the horror and pain from it all, because my dad is apart of that 80%. It hits closer then close to me. There are days I feel like, if my dad were still alive, then I would be too. To kill yourself isn't just killing yourself, it kills other people too. It has been about 7 years now since my father died, and I still have not come to grips with the whole thing. I currently started going to counseling in hopes of learning how to deal with it better. Lately, it seems like the more time goes by the harder it has gotten. I believe it is because so many new things are happening in my life that I wish my dad could be there to be apart of (my wedding, meeting my husband, meeting my children, being apart of it all). It's so hard to live when you have SO MUCH LOVE for someone, but you can't even express it to them. At times it has made me scared to love, because I am afraid it will hurt even worse when I lose that person one day. What's the point if it only causes pain? I know that is wrong, but my guard and walls tell me it's right. I have to fight daily to not be afraid to love and to not be afraid to get and stay close to people. My heart not only breaks for what led my dad to actually use the knife, but for all the other men out there who consider it daily, hourly, minute by minute. I am so glad John is touching on the subject of a man's heart. Women need to step up, men need to step up, truth needs to come alive.

John talked about how men hide their feelings, weaknesses, wounds, and emotions in a box, and they are dying to let them out, but the world wont let them, they would be seen as weak and most of all not as a man of Iron. I think John is trying hard to get the point across that that mentality is not true, and a healthy man is able to be humble and express himself, and ask for help when he needs it.

I was thinking about Jesus, he was a Man, and he didn't do it alone, he couldn't do it alone. He had friends, he had close ones that he shared his heart and mission with. He didn't hide from the reality's of life. He was human, and there is no doubt in my mind that he was scared at times, he was lonely at times, and he needed people at times.

Obviously, women can relate to this type of thing, we too hide, find it difficult to be weak, and get hit with the toughness of life. But there is something amazing about a man who is strong emotionally and spiritually, his ability to be real and humble effects so many. I think us women would feel more secure if men would get real with what is going on inside of them, us women wouldn't feel so alone and trapped with our own feelings. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that way to me. I am very thankful to have a husband that is able to express himself in a real and honest way, but I find that the challenge is ME, me being able to accept it when he does, me being able to be sensitive to what he needs and wants, me being understanding that he doesn't have it all together and that that is OK. I feel as women we can either crush who a man is or bring out the best in who he is. Sometimes that's hard, sometimes I feel like he should just be strong and have no problems, but that is a complete disgusting lie, he is human and in his weakness is where he finds his strength. For him to grow as the great man God is calling him to be, then I myself need to allow him to be weak, allow him to be humble, allow him the room to not have it all together. How else will he find God's answers, if he is forced to already have his own?

Well, I am excited for the next 3 services at church, because John will be sharing his heart on this topic, "Iron Man".

Thinking about all this made me think of a poem/thing I wrote awhile ago. Here it is: I think this can relate to this subject because it is about Eve right after the fall when she realizes what she has done wrong, and how she so desperately wants to stay "naked" (naked, as in humble, no lies, real), but now that she has sinned, it is such a struggle for her to not put on clothes (clothes means to cover her sins, to not be real, to not be humble), but she is trying so hard to fight that. A lot of it has double meanings. You will see parts of a Bjork song in the beginning, because this song by Bjork and her style of writing inspired me to write this poem. Anyways here it is, it can relate to Adam too.

Is it real? Because if it's not.. I might just have to stay Fake

"All these accidents that happen

follow the dot

coincidence makes sense

only with you

you don't have to speak -

I feel Emotional landscapes

they puzzle me

then the riddle gets solved

and you push me up to this:

State of emergency : how beautiful to be

State of emergency : is where I want to be" Bjork

Hidden, tucked behind the willow trees

beneath their breath she pretends to breathe

taking her chances; feeling naked exposed..

you help her speak help her speak

With Adam and Eve it was a two way streak a two way streak

with the grass between her toes naked exposed naked exposed

one step at a time with eyes-wide closed

does she dare be exposed?

Taking her chances cutting her hands

so they won't put on clothes

as she staggers towards the end, which leads her to the beginning

the beginning of what his will once was

before the fall began

Taking her chances

placing this temple and everything inside

upon that cornerstone (one piece at a time)

2 hands are fine

but 4 are better; through his beauty clever divine

so on that rock from bottom to top

she t e a r s off clothes
Because to have - all of her ...

...is to have her exposed.

Getting There...

Right now as I write, I am in Florida with my dear husband Kevin. We took a week off work to come down here to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and to have somewhat of the "honeymoon" we didn't really have after we got married.
It has been so nice here and so wonderful to get away together. We've been staying with a really good friend of ours that lives here in St. Pete FL. It's been nice getting to hang with him but still having time to ourselves. It has worked out well.
So, the main reason I am blogging right now is because I have "stuff", stuff going on in my heart and mind these past few days. I want to say both good and bad "stuff". I don't know why but a day or 2 ago I started feeling very empty, very worried, very alone, and very sad... I began to wonder how, and why this could POSSIBLY be happening to me when I am in "paradise" with my wonderful husband. I still don't know the answer 100%, but I have begun searching my heart, and the more I search the more I see how broken and distant from God I am right now. The more I search the more I realize I haven't been knowing him and feeling him for a long time. (I'm NOT saying everything is rapped up in "feelings" I'm not like that.. and for the record I'm not going to explain it either. I know my heart and I know where it should be and where it is not)
Everything was going great.. going out to eat, going to the beach, soaking up the sun, getting a tan, shopping, and freedom.. yet with all this, I still find myself in this hole, trying to reach out, but only managing to fall even deeper.
I realize I'm not myself, I'm not close to my Father right now, I'm not me anymore, I'm this wondering person finding my way on my own, not listening to the sound of Love, not heeding to the voice of Mercy, not digging in the life that fully sustains me (the Word), not sharing life's ups and downs with the One who truly cares. I've drifted away like the sun setting on the ocean.. slowly. Slowly dimming away. Suddenly darkness, and life's treasures becoming seemingly more and more dull by day. I feel so far away from what is real, from what is freedom to breath and to enjoy life in the manner it is meant to be enjoyed.
So out of the dysfunction of my heart I managed to reach. It seems like more I drift, the more it hurts to try and get back. It's like a muscle you haven't worked in a long time, and when you finally begin again, you just want to give up because your strength is completely depleted. But I don't want to give up. I don't fear God giving up on me, I fear me giving up on God and my ability to push through to where I need to be.
So in my desperation I knew I needed to take some sort of step, I knew I needed to at least move a spiritual muscle, so yesterday I decided to read "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional that I have, and I was really surprised at what I read. In my humanness I wanted to read something that gave me the warm and fuzzies and be OK and go on with my day, but that's not what happened, no warms, no fuzzies, just TRUTH. Truth hitting me in the face like a brick. Truth stabbing my heart like a hundred knives. It hurt. I wanted it to stop, but I knew this is what I needed. Surgery. It was hard to read and pray, it was a struggle to push through and not give up.
This is what I read : June 10Th -

AND AFTER THAT WHAT'S NEXT TO DO? ... seek, and you will find... - Luke 11:19
Seek if you have not found. "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss . . ." ( James 4:3 ). If you ask for things from life instead of from God, "you ask amiss"; that is, you ask out of your desire for self-fulfillment. The more you fulfill yourself the less you will seek God. ". . . seek, and you will find . . . ." Get to work— narrow your focus and interests to this one thing. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ". . . seek, [focus,] and you will find . . . ."

"Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters. . ." (Isaiah 55:1 ). Are you thirsty, or complacent and indifferent— so satisfied with your own experience that you want nothing more of God? Experience is a doorway, not a final goal. Beware of building your faith on experience, or your life will not ring true and will only sound the note of a critical spirit. Remember that you can never give another person what you have found, but you can cause him to have a desire for it.

". . . knock, and it will be opened to you" ( Luke 11:9 ). "Draw near to God . . ." ( James 4:8 ). Knock— the door is closed, and your heartbeat races as you knock. "Cleanse your hands . . ." ( James 4:8 ). Knock a bit louder— you begin to find that you are dirty. ". . . purify your hearts . . ." ( James 4:8 ). It is becoming even more personal— you are desperate and serious now— you will do anything. "Lament . . . " ( James 4:9 ). Have you ever lamented, expressing your sorrow before God for the condition of your inner life? There is no thread of self-pity left, only the heart-rending difficulty and amazement which comes from seeing what kind of person you really are. "Humble yourselves . . . " (James 4:10 ). It is a humbling experience to knock at God’s door— you have to knock with the crucified thief. ". . . to him who knocks it will be opened" ( Luke 11:10 ).

"Knock a bit louder— you begin to find that you are dirty. ".
Yeah, this line from this devotional describes me to a T. Dirty. I find that I am dirty and in need of being cleansed.
A lot of the answers I was looking for was in this devotional, and like I said they weren't filled with warm fuzzies, but instead filled with tools and challenges that aren't going to be easy.

So here I am embracing Truth, Grace and Mercy and finding my way in my father's heart. Trying to listen to the real embrace of life, the life he so desires to give me. Freedom. Freedom from worry, freedom from anxiety, freedom to be one in Christ.
I am so thankful my Lord is so gracious and so understanding, and that he always always Loves and adores me right where I am at.

Thank you Abba.

-Mel

I am a Christian
Rewritten by Maya Angelou
(Originally created by Carole Wimmer)
*
When I say ... "I am a Christian,

"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'.

I'm whispering "I was lost,

Now I'm found and forgiven.

*

"When I say..."I am a Christian,

"I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble,

And need CHRIST to be my guide.

*

When I say ... "I am a Christian,"I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak,

And need HIS strength to carry on.

*

When I say ... "I am a Christian,

"I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed,

And need God to clean my mess.

*

When I say ... "I am a Christian,

"I'm not claiming to be perfect.

My flaws are far too visible,

But God believes I am worth it.

*

When I say ... "I am a Christian,

"I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches,

So I call upon His name.
*
When I say ... "I am a Christian,

"I'm not holier than thou.

I'm just a simple sinner

Who received God's good grace somehow.

Without Wavering

* *


Perseverance means more than endurance— more than simply holding on until the end. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, "I can’t take any more." Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God’s hands. Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now? Maintain your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ through the perseverance of faith. Proclaim as Job did, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" ( Job 13:15 ).
Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love. Faith is the supreme effort of your life— throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God.
God ventured His all in Jesus Christ to save us, and now He wants us to venture our all with total abandoned confidence in Him. There are areas in our lives where that faith has not worked in us as yet— places still untouched by the life of God. There were none of those places in Jesus Christ’s life, and there are to be none in ours. Jesus prayed, "This is eternal life, that they may know You . . ." ( John 17:3 ). The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we will take this view, life will become one great romance— a glorious opportunity of seeing wonderful things all the time. God is disciplining us to get us into this central place of power.

(above Devotional from: http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php)

If there is anything I desire this word to represent in my life it would be my faith. Hardcore faith. It's through faith that our existence as a Christian even comes about. Why wouldn't I want to know the very existence my life depends upon. Faith allows me to receive the greatest gift in the world. God. My creator. My savior. My redeemer. My friend.

When doubts and fears have me stumbling and trapped it's through faith that I find myself able to walk the road of once again. "Faith is the supreme effort of your life— throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God," this makes me question where my confidence in God lacks, and in those areas, how do I make it grow. Daily I battle a lack of faith, doubting God and myself. Doubting that I have the intelligence or ability to be successful at life, at living, and at loving. I often need the reminder that my strength in ALL things needs to come from God not my own. Thankfully God always meets us right where we are, and always encourages us to pursue a remnant faith that stands out as hardcore.


To Him be the Glory. Forever. Amen.

Haunted

'It's in Christ that we find out who we are.' Ephesians 1:11

..."Phillips Brooks remarked, 'When you discover you've been leading only half a life, the other half is going to haunt you until you develop it.' Self-discovery is what Paul had in mind when he wrote, 'It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.' You were made by God and for God. Until you understand that, your life won't make sense. It's 'in Christ' that we discover our purpose, our significance and our destiny. In other words, we discover our true selves!"

(reading of the day from http://www.ucb.co.uk/word_for_today)


Wow, I love Phillip Brooks remark, it is so true on so many levels. I know I'm not a lone in this, but their are times I fear I am living only half of what I could be living and that does haunt me. As a dreamer, I can't imagine getting old and one day realizing I could have done SO much more. I often ask myself, what can I do to get there.. HOW HOW HOW? Then of course I am reminded, Christ, that's how. The closer I am to my creator the more I learn to function in ways he created me to function. The closer I am, the more I know Him, the more my soul flows out purpose that without him would utterly be unknown.

Stand Fast

Liberty and the Standards of Jesus (My Utmost for His Highest)
http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free . . . —Galatians 5:1

A spiritually-minded person will never come to you with the demand— "Believe this and that"; a spiritually-minded person will demand that you align your life with the standards of Jesus. We are not asked to believe the Bible, but to believe the One whom the Bible reveals (see John 5:39-40 ). We are called to present liberty for the conscience of others, not to bring them liberty for their thoughts and opinions. And if we ourselves are free with the liberty of Christ, others will be brought into that same liberty— the liberty that comes from realizing the absolute control and authority of Jesus Christ.

Always measure your life solely by the standards of Jesus. Submit yourself to His yoke, and His alone; and always be careful never to place a yoke on others that is not of Jesus Christ. It takes God a long time to get us to stop thinking that unless everyone sees things exactly as we do, they must be wrong. That is never God’s view. There is only one true liberty— the liberty of Jesus at work in our conscience enabling us to do what is right.

Don’t get impatient with others. Remember how God dealt with you— with patience and with gentleness. But never water down the truth of God. Let it have its way and never apologize for it. Jesus said, "Go . . . and make disciples. . ." ( Matthew 28:19 ), not, "Make converts to your own thoughts and opinions."

This was the "My Utmost for His Highest" devotion for today, and I received a lot out of it. The points that really stuck hard to me are the ones I pasted in bold. Personally, I find myself battling with measuring myself to the worlds standards and selfishly measuring others to my standards. It's tough to stand firm when the media and everything around you is raging war against God's standards. I like the picture above, it expresses the very emotions I find myself going through to block it all out.

Another issue that comes up are those times I find myself losing patience with people who (to me) purposely and stubbornly refuse to come to know Christ as he really is, and instead choose to be fed the lies that Jesus is just some foolish cartoon that the world makes him out to be. BUT that's where this comes in, "Don’t get impatient with others. Remember how God dealt with you— with patience and with gentleness." I have no room to talk, I too was once that person drowning in my own selfworth, my own motives, my own knowledge, my own ways, and my own garbage. I wonder how many times God sent people to speak or demonstrate his truth/love to me, but I missed it, or purposely chose to pass it by and do my own thing. I know it happened plenty of times on my end, yet even with the crap, the garbage, the unfaithfulness, the disgust, the filth, the stains, the shame, the guilt, and more... he kept his patience with me, and with great gentleness and mercy he forgave me, and now calls me child/friend. My most favorite of all is that he says he loves me with an everlasting love. WOW. I guess I have no room to talk, and now only love to give. I wish it were just that simple, but it's not and that's why I need Him, standards and all. That's why I must come back to the truth, and it's in the truth where I am reminded that, the Word is surely Something Worth Chewing on.

Matthew 4:4 - Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."